Where Does Failure Lead You?
I’m a big fat failure. I’ve failed as a mother. I’ve failed as a wife. I’ve failed as a human.
At least, this is what I was thinking yesterday right before my tearful-temper-tantrum-of-self-pity-party.
It has been a long four weeks, five weeks, couple of weeks. Paul’s been sick. I’ve been sick. Gracie inherited allergies from her dad. She’s growing a tooth out the front of her gum and her other teeth are throwing the kind of party that makes her feel irritable.
On top of that, she got her first official cold. I’ve never been so watchful of someone’s breathing. The baby monitor and I have rediscovered the relationship we had the first few weeks after her birth.
None of us have been sleeping well.
All of which would lead any reasonable woman to the state I was in yesterday. Tears, doubt, whining, and the mad ravings of a lunatic:
“I think, ‘What would the perfect wife DO?’ And the answer is, she would get up early in the morning and exercise AND LIKE IT! And then she’d get the house in order before the baby wakes up! She’d have all her chores done by noon so that she could spend the afternoon outside in the yard weeding the flower beds. HAVE YOU SEEN THE FLOWER BEDS? THEY’RE A DISASTER! Oh, I can’t go on! We can’t have anymore kids! I want to eat carbs all day everyday for the rest of my life but I’m too chubby to be able to afford it! What do you mean ‘things will be better soon?” The house ALWAYS looks like this!”
[Cue tears]
It was horrible. Mostly for Paul. Oh, what that man has to put up with.
I’ve had a little time to think about my temper tantrum since yesterday and it has made me ponder something: Where was it all going?
I realized shortly after my explosion of tears that all (ALL) my thinking in that moment was about me. My failure, my mood, my shortcomings, my abilities, my anguish, my flower beds, what I should do better.
Now, it’s alright to re-evaluate your productivity. It’s okay to consider areas where you might be able to improve. It’s good to think about how you can serve more effectively.
But you’re in danger when your thinking begins to wrap you into the seductive cocoon of self. You’re in danger when you begin to swim in condemnation.
My thinking yesterday was not Godly. Yes, I’ve been tired. Yes, it’s hard sometimes to have a baby who’s sick. Yes, I have lots of excuses for why I might be upset. But the truth is that God wants my inadequacies and failures to lead me to the Gospel and not to more of myself.
These little failures have good purpose. They are mere shadows of my big failure: sin. They are not meant to eternally haunt me, they’re meant to point me in the direction of Christ! Where I am weak, He is strong! Where I am inadequate, He is more than adequate. Where I fail, He is perfect. And He is enough for me.
Let my failures lead me to the cross where I find forgiveness. Let my failures lead me to Christ where I find sufficiency.
Though I will work to improve, though I will work towards discipline, though I will work toward becoming a servant, I must remember that Christ has already covered my failures. My greatest success is nothing outside of Christ.
He is the perfect parent, and I am in Him.
He is the perfect spouse, and I am in Him.
He is the perfect One, and I am in Him.
So let my failures lead me to Him.
Reasons to Celebrate.
1. Gracie is seven months old today.
2. This is our 100th blog entry.
3. Paul is beginning to feel better after catching The Family Cold.
4. We’ve discovered how good we are at sharing. Want some?
5. Gosh, she’s pretty. Though Paul claims he can objectively declare Gracie to be a “pretty baby,” I know the truth. We will always be wearing these parent goggles. Even if she was horribly ugly, we would never know it. We can only see pretty.
6. Hmm…I suppose that’s a little bit like how Jesus sees us when He’s forgiven our sins. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Now He can say, “Gosh, I think you’re pretty.” He’s wearing Blood-of-Christ-Goggles. That’s probably a horrible analogy…but the blood of Christ and God’s forgiveness are reasons to celebrate anyway.
Commercials That Stick: Mini Sirloin Burgers.
Some jingles just get stuck in your head. Here’s my current favorite:
Whoever is contracted to do Jack In The Box’s advertizing deserves every penny.
What I Remember About You.
Facebook is strange. People I had forgotten about and others I didn’t come rushing into my brain with the tap of a finger.
When I see a picture of someone long gone but suddenly back again, there is always a scene, some memory, that plays it’s way through my mind as I remember who this person was. It’s rarely the same person that they are now. Everyone has changed, but I only know them as they were “then.”
This “new” person with her spouse and kids and dogs and jobs and beliefs and heartaches is a stranger to me. All I can see is the girl who stole my diary and read it without my permission that one sunny day when she came to play at my house. Weird, huh?
And so that’s what I think about whenever I see her little picture icon. And I have a little story that goes with every little picture icon for each resurrected acquaintance that finds me.
Facebook is strange.
I wonder what people remember about me. I’m sorry if I ever stole your diary and read it without permission. If you have a story associated with my image, I hope it’s a more pleasant one than that. And if not, well, hopefully I’ve done a little changing too.
Who doesn’t cringe a little when they think of themselves at 17??? Ack.
Who Has a Mini Trampoline? Part II
In a previous post, I went fishing to see if anyone would lend me their trampoline for a week. No takers. Or rather, no lenders. I figure you all are either vigorously working out on your beloved trampolines and are unable to spare them or you don’t own one out of fear of developing a trampoline addiction.
I understand. I probably wouldn’t loan you mine either. WHAT’D SHE SAY?!?!
Yes, I have a mini trampoline!
Early on the morning of Mother’s Day, I was throwing ingredients for chili into the crock pot as Paul loaded the car with music gear for church. As he stepped back into the house, I heard him ask, “Do you have any idea how this got out here???”
What did those neighborhood kids do now? I thought. But as I turned around to respond, I didn’t see bright pink lawn flamingos in my husbands hands…it was my very own trampoline!
“Happy Mother’s Day. Here’s your exercise equipment!”
How many wives would be happy about getting a trampoline for Mother’s Day? One. One very happy (and bouncing) mother.
O How I Expected More…
…From My Immune System.
Our daughter is almost seven months old. Since she was born, I’ve had about five colds. That must be a record.
I was just starting to think that I was “coming out of the cloud” called postpartum when Gracie started teething and I caught another cold. Oh yeah, and Grace has some sort of nasal congestion…maybe allergies says our doc. Diagnosis: grumpy.
Between the three, though, I find myself regressing back to the stage where when Gracie sleeps, I want to sleep. And when she isn’t sleeping, I still want to sleep causing me to wish naptime would hurry up and get here. Then I feel like a substandard mother.
So I remind myself of what Kit Hackett wrote in my baby shower notebook: “This too shall pass.”
In the meantime, I’ve got to grip tight to every enjoyable moment with Gracie, memorize her face even when she’s screaming, push guilt into the diaper pail when I do lay down for a nap, and give my body a couple more months to adjust to the elevation on this strange Mountain of Motherhood.
Handsome is One!
Oh Handsome…Happy Birthday! We love you so much.
Our nephew Tristan is a whopping ONE year old today. We wish we could have been there to celebrate with him. Especially because that cake looks terrific. Mmmmm….cake….
But not as terrific as…
CHOCOLATE COVERED BABY!
Tristan, may Christ keep you growing healthy and strong in the next year. Let it be full of surprise and joy and unexpected blessing from Him who knows how to give the very best gifts. Happy Birthday!
We love you,
Paul, Catrina, & Grace.
Some Do It Horribly…So Others Don’t Do It at All.
Paul and I are Continuationists. Or Noncessationists. In other words, we believe that Scripture teaches that the gifts of the Holy Spirit are still going strong in 2009.
The odd thing, though, is that we are sometimes about as skeptical as they come for a couple of charismatics. Not so much about the gifts like “faith” or “administration.” More about the ones people get all sweaty over…like prophesy and speaking in tongues. Call us…”conservative,” but somewhere between the Trinity Broadcasting Network and a few ultra-attention-seeking-holy-rollers from our past, a sad sense of fear, dismissal, avoidance, and sometimes disdain crept in.
It’s not that we didn’t believe in gifts of the Spirit. We do. It’s not that we didn’t want gifts of the Spirit operating. We do. It’s just that we were so irritated by the abuse we sometimes see and the damage done in the name of the Holy Spirit. We were so dog-goned afraid of the fleshy-freak-show that seems to jump into the mix whenever even a hint of spiritual gifting begins to manifest. (Shudder) Even that word….man-if-est. I almost expect a holy roller to jump into my living room as I type it.
But our attitude toward spiritual gifts and the manifestation of those gifts is wrong. We ought to “earnestly desire the spiritual gifts” Scripture clearly says.
Now this does not diminish the need for clear, sound teaching on spiritual gifts, their right use, submission to the authority of Scripture, etc. Nor is it a call to leave your brain at the door. But other peoples’ misuse does not allow for the avoidance of or disrespect toward spiritual gifts, even with the knowledge that some will abuse. It, in fact, demands desire of and pursuit of these gifts.
Sam Storms was teaching about this, which is how this all came up for us, when he said, “We cannot justify our disobedience to the Word by appealing to the abuse of others.” (find it here, Panel Discussion 2)
Man. We’ve done just that.
It makes me wonder about other areas where Scripture commands something and we tend to shy away…or downright disobey, justifying our disobedience because of our experience with abuses of it in the past (or present).
If you’re a believer…Do you disdain preaching because of the abuse of teaching/preaching you’ve seen?
Do you avoid joining and engaging in a church family because of the abuses from leadership or members you’ve encountered?
Do you refuse to practice or submit to church discipline because of abuse of authority and overzealous legalism you’ve observed?
If you’re not a believer, then do you refuse Christ because the “Christians” you know have been hypocrites, con-artists, or just plain mean?
Some do these things horribly. But we should not be counted among those who use this as an excuse to disobey clear Biblical mandates.
This week (year, decade) I’m asking the Holy Spirit to renew joy in me over His gifts. To teach me how to use them properly and to give me desire for them as He has commanded. To cause me to honor Him with them and to not get caught up or distracted by those who are just in it for a temporary emotional catharsis. Help us joyfully obey!
Tooth Fairy.
The vindictive Tooth Fairy came and pinched our daughter on Monday.
Sure that she was teething, I vigilantly watched Grace’s lower gums as I tried to console her. After a full afternoon of screaming and flailing and sometimes sleeping and eating and then more general grumpiness (and Gracie was worse!), there were still no signs of actual teeth.
At about 6:30 pm, we were walking the floors together, Grace gnawing on my finger and me really looking forward to Paul getting home when suddenly I felt something sharp. No, it was not a tooth protruding from her lower gums. It was a rogue fang proudly displaying itself on her top gum clear over where the canines are located! I’d been watching the wrong place!
So she has her first tooth! Sadly, I won’t be able to show it off at church on Sunday because it’s not front and center…but we both know it’s there.
The whole neighborhood knows it’s there.
Some Exciting News.
A big congratulations to our friends Jen & Tucker on their big news. We know you’ve been waiting and hoping and praying and dreaming a long long time. Enjoy every minute friends! We love you.
